Week 16: The Country Boy, The Fag Hag and Two Butt Pirates

ARGGGGG! The long awaited Gaspar’s Grotto Booze Cruise Brunch, where the only rules are to “Build Yer Own Damn Drinks.” Ryan and I have been waiting to let loose and I can’t think of any better way than to attend this debauchery and invite my two very best gay friends. Anyone who knows me knows that I am admittedly a fag hag, a female who associates herself with gay men and thinks she’s trendier than everyone else because of it. Poor Ryan had no idea what he signed up for when he started dating me. Within just a few months he became exhibit b: the male counterpart, a male with forced interpersonal relationships with gay men: the fag stag.

I loved Sean and John-Paul from the day I laid eyes on them. They were hot, they were funny, and most importantly they were just plain mean.  Two years later, I can say we’ve had our share of inappropriate faux romance, laughs at other people, and a plethora of hot date nights where the general public didn’t know who belonged to whom.  

Gaspar’s Grotto Booze Cruise Brunch is just 3 blocks from my house and contrary to looking trendy, I’m hoping my gay boyfriends will draw some of the attention away from me… today may be the resurfacing of BOMB: Black Out Michelle Boyd (of all people, my coworkers gave me that name many moons ago after falling in a bush at a company happy hour). The real reason I don’t want people noticing me though is because earlier in the week I had a terrible case of sun poisoning. My face slightly swelled and my lips blew up several notches past Angelina Jolie’s. Imagine two plantains for lips. Laugh about it a few minutes and then realize this really happened and it wasn’t funny at all. Karma is a bitch. The aftermath of it all is cruel. My lips are no longer swollen but they are trying desperately to heal by drying up and all I can think about is someone mistaking me for an Ybor rat covered in herpes.

Ryan is bound to get silly due to his lack of carbohydrate intake all week. Yes, we are still going strong on this whole weekly diet trend. When Sean and John-Paul knocked on my door promptly at 10:20 as planned, Ryan answered the door wearing my women’s size small shirt. It’s good to know that he’s excited for hanging out with my homosexual hunks, but I’m not letting him steal my thunder. I quickly show John-Paul my herpe-look alike as if I were proud of it. Ryan changes into some normal clothes and we’re off.

As predicted, Ryan is just plain silly. I don’t think we were there for an hour before he spilled one of his drinks all over some girl’s leg who I mistakenly labeled as black. She was Russian. Aside from her black hair and extremely sun-kissed skin I have no idea what I was thinking. I hate it when girls wear those massive sunglasses, hiding their true identities. What started out as a casual brunch with conversations about the future, house hunting and every day couple activities quickly turned R-Rated after a few rounds of drinks.

As part of the Booze Cruise Brunch Package you get unlimited mimosas at the champagne/juice bar along with your very own small flask of vodka to make your own Bloody Mary’s. I don’t like Bloody Mary’s so I decided to invent the “The Mango Bomb.” It was beautiful: a large glass, my entire flask of vodka, champagne and a splash of mango juice. No ice because water is for quitters. These Mango Bomb wonders were the beginning of the end for me personally. Ryan chimed in every now and then with some really random quotes such as “I am really enjoying this” and “Golleeeyyyy looks like I’ll be taking a poop at Gaspars.” Hours later he spilled his second and third drink. One on his phone and one on a plate of shellfish.

Oh yes how could I forget: within the 5 hours we spent at Booze Cruise Brunch, there was also food. Unbelievable food. I say unbelievable because I’m not quite sure exactly how great it was, but I know I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Jalapeño Cheese Grits, Lobster Claws, Snow Crab Legs, Oysters, Shrimp, Little Neck Clams, Lox, Sausage, Eggs, Potatoes, Hummus, Cheeses, Biscuits and Gravy, Bacon, Pasta Salad, Pastries, Bagels, Lunch Meats, Curry Chicken Salad, Fruit, Salads, Vegetables, Desserts and more.  I ate everything in sight with the exception of the fruit because just a few days ago an emperor scorpion was discovered in Ybor. It came from a Brazilian fruit shipment…or so they say.

We stayed at brunch so long that the table next to us actually turned over 3 times. The first round was a couple consisting of a very large woman and her husband whom I never looked at. She gave us her vodka before she left so it wouldn’t go to waste. Instead of bringing it up to the Bloody Mary bar we brought it straight to the bartender where he added fuel to the fire and turned it into 4 glorious shots which we all took straight to the face.

The second round of people who sat at the table next to us was a young couple. The girl was much hotter than the guy and they were extremely awkward; it was undoubtedly their first date. While Gaspar’s Booze Cruise Brunch may easily be mistaken for a ticket to the bedroom, what he probably failed to notice was the Jesus fish and cross tattoos on her ankle. Good luck with that one buddy.

The third round of people that showed up were friends of my roommate and the first words out of one of their mouths was “Hey Michelle, nice lips!” While everyone else found it funny, I wanted to die or make fun of his height. John-Paul went on to say “Michelle, you are like a fake diamond. So beautiful and attention grabbing until you get closer and realize you are missing three toenails and have a case of the herps.”   It didn’t end there. The word diamond sparked a conversation about diamonds and John-Paul wanted to know why Sean hadn’t asked him to marry him yet. Maybe because we’re in Florida and gay marriage is not recognized. I accidently let Ryan know that once I got my hopes up and thought he was proposing to me on our camping trip to Myakka River several months earlier, only to turn around and see him drunkenly on one knee tying his sneaker. I probably should have kept that to myself or stayed at home today.

My solution to any awkward moment is to find the closest bar so John-Paul and I went right back to the champagne/juice bar and started making our drinks a little bit stiffer. Why not? For some undetermined reason we started line dancing at the bar. There’s was a fat guy laughing at us but it’s uncertain if he was laughing at the line dancing or my damaged pout.

When we returned to the table we were greeted by the chef and then moments following we were greeted by Gaspar’s owner. Unbelievable. My first encounter with ones who make it possible for me to go on these chronicles each and every week and I can barely hold a conversation. This is truly a treat and will probably never happen again.

John-Paul made a comment about something smelling of lube and grits and at that point we all decided nothing past this moment would be included in the food blog. And so the story ends. I’m sorry but the rest is unrecorded history for legal and reputational issues. Gaspars, as always you get a triple A+.  You’re consistently fresh and full of pirate hookers, but when you add unlimited booze and food to your atmosphere, you become a truly irreplaceable venue.