Week 2: God May Be Black, But The Collards Are Still Green

Today I woke up anxiously awaiting a verdict. Ryan would call it and I’d bring the wallet (I owed him for a fabulous Saturday). Our 2pm start was creating quite an obstacle…we missed every brunch within a 15 mile radius. Either way we had to get going because starvation was paying an unbearable visit. Aspirin, check. Sweatshirt, check. 10 Scratch Tickets I bought while under the influence of grain alcohol and forgot to scratch, check.


The car ride was miserable. I was ravenous and praying Ryan chose someplace close. Where are we going babe? “Someplace I’m cautiously excited about.”  I know what that means… we are  probably venturing far away from the artsy and accepting people of Ybor to a land of judgment and morals where they might not like Holly Hangover … or this Bohemian sweatshirt with a great hood useful in times like these when my face should not be seen.  “Lupton’s Fat Man’s BBQ Buffet” … Never heard of it but I’m immediately excited and need to know how far away we are. It’s about a 20 minute drive. I’m gonna have to wait for this festival of corpulence. 


As we pulled in, I made Ryan stand in front and take a tourist shot. He looks so happy. The love for BBQ radiates off of him. I imagine it’s the same glow men get when they have their first child. Or make their first million. Or divorce their crazy wife.  I don’t need to buy him anything for Christmas now because I believe this adventure has made him happy enough. While I’m taking the picture I’m verbally accosted by a child who needs to use my phone. Why is he yelling? Does he know I’m 4.5 inches away from him? “Go inside honey I’m sure they have a phone you can use.”  I might be feeling foggy but I know better than to hand my phone to an 8 year old in Nike Zooms. Made that mistake in Krakow Poland….except he was barefoot.


I should have better prepared myself for what we were walking into but didn’t think twice about it. The door opened and I was immediately exposed to a sea of diversity. I looked at Ryan and he was the last white person I saw. Now that’s what I’m talking about, I KNOW this is gonna be good BBQ!  Everyone was in their church attire, and apparently knew one another. The woman in front of me talked for a good five minutes until I was able to get around her ass and serve myself. Pulled Pork, Ribs, Fried Okra, Mac n’ Cheese, Collard Greens, Bacon Stewed Cabbage, Brunswick Stew, Butter Biscuits, Corn Bread, Corn on the Cob, Rice, Fried Chicken, Chicken Wings, Meatloaf and more. The only thing I didn’t eat was some sketchy stew with animal tails floating around in it. I’m brave, but I’m not feeling too hot this morning and that might put me over the edge. Ryan, you eat that.

Let me tell you that after eating here, there is a God and he might be black. It was a beautiful welcoming crowd, an endless supply of hot southern platters, and an aura of good fortune. I only stretch the truth with the good fortune comment because we won $25 on one of our scratch tickets. I have no idea if anyone else was having a lucky day. The winnings covered our entire meal because it was only $9.79 a person. What a steal! We will be back Luptons, we will be back. Your fat patrons are close at heart and I dreamed of your fried okra during my afternoon nap.   

Week 1: Get Your Gat, We Are Going To Three Coins

As I sit here excited to tell you about my first (and only) adventure to 3 Coins, there is also a feeling of disappointment. I've had so many culinary adventures and aside from a few uploads of corned beef hash, I haven't shared them with anyone. The Meatball Chronicles never reserve seats for the excessively meticulous.  The engagements have included canned meat mountains, dirty tables, fraudulent Elvis booths, 6000+ calorie challenges, breakfast cocktails, sake bombs then falling for the love of my life (and not the other way around),  raw food, cooked food, northern food, southern food, a meatloaf marathon, a few instances of food poisoning, some hand holding in public, and much more. I can only pray that some day I make it to Australia to eat those berries that grow in the digestive systems of emus and can only be found by picking through their crap.  

Three Coins Diner, Tampa: Last Sunday was like any other Sunday. We woke up on a mission for calories. In the mood for a hole in the wall, greasy southern breakfast joint, we settled on a Nebraska Ave location... we were on a mission. But Nebraska?!? Should I change my Burberry boots?  Should I rent a gun? This was sure to be amazing. As we walked in, I was instantly bummed. Where's the big fat Southern Lady? Where are the cackling motel landlords? Why is everyone here a white elderly couple? Thankfully, there wasn't time to dwell on this because I was starving and knew what I wanted. We immediately ordered country fried steak and gravy, grits, corned beef hash, eggs over easy, a side of sausage links, two coffees, and two waters.  

The table next to us had two young guys and their food was served within minutes. What the F?!?! That grimy bastard ordered the same thing I ordered. Should I stand up to use the restroom and accidentally  drop my face into it? I don't want to wait any longer. Thank goodness my better half has caught my attention with his outrageous Sunday morning thought. "I'd be interested in genetically engineering a child" I must have looked dumbfounded because he immediately got defensive and said "WHAT? We did it with cows all the time."  I wasn't dumbfounded, I was lost in my own thoughts again... could i genetically engineer a child to have a fast metabolism so it could join me on my culinary adventures without being obese? Clearly these adventures are no place for children. "If you and I did this, it would definitely need my nose and my boobs." Really? You are a man, you don't have boobs. Oh shit neither do I. And what's this crap about my nose? You don't like my face? AHHH THE FOOD!!!! A GLORIOUS MOUNTAIN OF CORNED BEEF HASH. I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE I WANT THIS HASH NOW. 

To be honest, I was so starving that I would have enjoyed anything. But man, this hash... it was freakin' amazing. Crusted on the outside and everything. The grits were okay but anything is okay with a puddle of butter in it. Sausage- Good. Eggs- An egg's an egg. Country Fried Steak and Gravy- Well the gravy wasn't sausage gravy and although it wasn't my order, i'd say it was average. Major fail on the lack of sausage--they don't serve it after 11AM. I won't be back... the hash is worth doing illegal things for, but I'm positive there is more hash to be tasted someplace new.